Sunday, 5 June 2011

Why I Could Never, Etc (Volume II)

Situation: the Doctor has just realised the truth about River Song.

"But... but that means..."

"Yes. It does."

(Long pause. Eventually, the Doctor shrugs.)

"Oh well. Anyway, things to do. There's something interesting going on in Metatraxiad-4C9, so -"

"Doctor, you don't understand! I... I'm Amy's daughter."

(Shorter pause.)


"What do you mean, 'and'? I'm Amy's daughter."

"Yes, but how does that change anything?"


"You're exactly the same character you were a few minutes ago. Not even a very interesting character, to be honest. And let's face it, since you're a time-traveller who's intimately connected with my adventures and yet who traditionally refuses to reveal her origins, it's not much of a shocker. So does your parentage actually make the slightest bit of difference?"

"You don't understand. I'm Amy's -"

"Yes, yes, yes. But I only heard about Amy being pregnant a few weeks ago, it's not as if it's a great mystery of the universe or anything. I mean, have we honestly learned anything here? Other than that story-arcs are a very poor substitute for imagination? Because I've spent most of my recent life watching people wave fetishistic hardware around in blue-lit hangars, and frankly I've got better things to do. The thing with the fossilised hand and the androgynous rock-monster in the catsuit was more fun than this, and that wasn't even one of the good ones. I've been thinking about that a lot in the last few weeks, for some reason."

"Doctor -"

"Not to mention the fact that I had to come up with another army of Old Monsters to live up to that whole Pandorica mess. I should've thrown in a Pink Tereleptil while I was at it."

"Doctor! Don't you even care about the part I play in your destiny?"

"Nnnnno, not particularly. You carry a blaster so that you can kill aliens on the spot, then spin it around before you put it back in your holster because you think it looks cool. What are you, Robocop? I'm quite honestly embarrassed to think I had anything to do with your creation at all. Also, that schtick of 'hilariously' killing someone who's standing behind you without even looking...? That's the sign of a borderline psychotic, you vicious little twit. No, you're just... you're just awful."

"You don't realise the consequences. They've taken me as a baby -"

"Good! Let's hope they bring you up with a personality this time. Now go away, and let me explore the universe with a minimum of pointless angst."